i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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