I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
