Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
