Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
