Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
