Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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