I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
