Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
