it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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