I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize