i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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