My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
