DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
