My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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