I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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