i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
