Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
