A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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