he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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