You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
