I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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