he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
