On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
