**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
