Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
