He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
