my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
