I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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