Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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