cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
