I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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