Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
