You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
