please come you make the beer taste better
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
