oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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