he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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