You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
