There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
