The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
