There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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