Whod you bang
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
