I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
