You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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