Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
