the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
