Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Drunk is not a location!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
