DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
