Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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