....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
