This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
