Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
