i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
