You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Can you bring me the toilet please
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
